Isn't this the most disgusting kind of disappointment? The kind which we, alone, so carelessly place on our own brittle spines? Every time I disappointment myself, the effects are a million times more devastating for me than when inflicted by another. Because the moment that I don't take a leap of faith and just try--if nothing else--try to achieve my goals, is the moment that I die a little bit inside.
I can be disciplined...I can be bold and determined. The problem is that when it isn't just "me", a couple of factors come into play--they are my shackles. I can't get myself to verbalize what I'm thinking. I'm a passionate person, but my passion suffocates me when I can't get it out. The only way I have of getting it out is by writing. That's when the second immobilizing factor comes in--pride. Humility tells me that no matter what other people think, I need to make known these things that beat on the walls of my mind, but Pride tells me that looking passionate will just make me look stupid.
Idly, she sat--fingers fiddling with random items on the table in front of her. Try as she may, nothing could keep her mind off of what she needed to do. Finally, she stood...
So, what do I do? I try to disregard it--"I'll have tons of times to rectify the results of this decision." I tell myself. But conscience and mind will have none of it. So...I JUST DO IT.
"Message Sent" the computer reads. Now, it's just the waiting game...
"What is this all about anyway!?", I'm sure you're asking. Well, I had violin lessons today. I planned to tell my teacher how much I wanted to audition for orchestra solos and ask her permission to do it. I walked in, stars in my eyes...but then we started lessons--and though I had practiced for hour upon hour, I couldn't play anything. I was SO disappointed, and by the time I left I just couldn't bring myself to ask her for permission. I felt I had ruined my opportunity.
I told my mom what had happened and she encouraged me...But after twiddling my thumbs for about an hour, I decided that I couldn't rest until I emailed my teacher and asked her (no matter how crazy I looked) if I could audition. She responded encouragingly--so, tomorrow I'm going to have an hour lesson to see if it's at all possible for me to be able to audition in 3 short weeks. It's taking some major humility to tell you all this, because I honestly don't know if I can do it...and even if I do, chances are I won't get a solo. But what is life if you can't seize those little opportunities to do something that will do your inner being such a service? PRAY PEOPLE! Please please pray. I don't need a solo (though, that is the ideal resolve to all of this madness), but I so desperately want to be given the chance to try.
....but playing a solo would be a dream come true. ;)