The Will, The Desire, The Urge....To Achieve

Her dreams were dashed in that one moment; the moment when she knew that she couldn't live up to her goals.

Isn't this the most disgusting kind of disappointment? The kind which we, alone, so carelessly place on our own brittle spines? Every time I disappointment myself, the effects are a million times more devastating for me than when inflicted by another. Because the moment that I don't take a leap of faith and just try--if nothing else--try to achieve my goals, is the moment that I die a little bit inside.

The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again.
Proverbs 24:16
Why was this one so difficult? Why couldn't she jump in faith like she had other times? She knew the answer to these nagging questions, but she couldn't stop asking them, because to make them quit would be to admit to her greatest weakness--her cripple.

I can be disciplined...I can be bold and determined. The problem is that when it isn't just "me", a couple of factors come into play--they are my shackles. I can't get myself to verbalize what I'm thinking. I'm a passionate person, but my passion suffocates me when I can't get it out. The only way I have of getting it out is by writing. That's when the second immobilizing factor comes in--pride. Humility tells me that no matter what other people think, I need to make known these things that beat on the walls of my mind, but Pride tells me that looking passionate will just make me look stupid.

Idly, she sat--fingers fiddling with random items on the table in front of her. Try as she may, nothing could keep her mind off of what she needed to do. Finally, she stood...

So, what do I do? I try to disregard it--"I'll have tons of times to rectify the results of this decision." I tell myself. But conscience and mind will have none of it. So...I JUST DO IT.

"Message Sent" the computer reads. Now, it's just the waiting game...

"What is this all about anyway!?", I'm sure you're asking. Well, I had violin lessons today. I planned to tell my teacher how much I wanted to audition for orchestra solos and ask her permission to do it. I walked in, stars in my eyes...but then we started lessons--and though I had practiced for hour upon hour, I couldn't play anything. I was SO disappointed, and by the time I left I just couldn't bring myself to ask her for permission. I felt I had ruined my opportunity.

I told my mom what had happened and she encouraged me...But after twiddling my thumbs for about an hour, I decided that I couldn't rest until I emailed my teacher and asked her (no matter how crazy I looked) if I could audition. She responded encouragingly--so, tomorrow I'm going to have an hour lesson to see if it's at all possible for me to be able to audition in 3 short weeks. It's taking some major humility to tell you all this, because I honestly don't know if I can do it...and even if I do, chances are I won't get a solo. But what is life if you can't seize those little opportunities to do something that will do your inner being such a service? PRAY PEOPLE! Please please pray. I don't need a solo (though, that is the ideal resolve to all of this madness), but I so desperately want to be given the chance to try.

....but playing a solo would be a dream come true. ;)


Kristin said...

I loved this post, Abigail! I believe God puts these passions in us for a reason, so go after your dreams! God already has it all planned out perfectly. I'm cheering for you!

Lexi said...

I'm cheering for you Abigail. You CAN do it! Most of the things in life that we never do are because we told ourselves we couldn't or said we were not good enough.

I send you hugs and motivation!!! =D

Love ya!

Linda said...

Abigail Grace...let me be the third person here to cheer you on!

"Nothing ventured...nothing gained"...that's what "they" say.

I say...you can do it Granddaughter!!! Go for it...

After all I think God is prompting you.

Love, Grams

3 Blessings said...

You can do it!!!!

Hannah said...

I loved this post (I love writing in third person as it is, so you get some major kudos. ;)

I know what you mean (or at least, I have my own experiences like it). If we could just push ourselves more, just to break over the edge...*sighs*

Be praying for you. :)

Love you & Blessings,


Elaina said...

Praying for you!!! I hope you get the solo, I've seen you play and I KNOW you're gifted!

Kendrabelle Logan said...

I'm praying for you! WooT!!


Ben McCarthy said...

This is a great post! I loved how you started it out with the suspense! But you definitely brough out some great points. I wish you well with your violin stuff. (Sorry if that totally demeans your work) Phil. 4:13

Joyeful said...

This post is just so wonderfully written! Don't give up, Abigail!!!

And your blog design is Oooh La La Lovely!!!!

Anonymous said...

Sweet girl...if only you could see how wonderful you are in the eyes of others!?! Then...you would not be so easily disappointed in yourself!!! Just strive to do your best and let God do the rest!! He will put you where he wants you!! Even if that is a solo!!!

Praying for you Ab'

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