My Crumbling Carousel

It's a kind of irony that takes us from passionate to obsessive--an irony that starts with wanting to do something for a good cause, and once the high hits, wanting to do it for our own personal pain and pleasure. I've experienced this too many times in my life to simply ignore it. I debated even writing this post, because it sounds so pathetic coming from someone who devoted her life to a much greater cause 12 years ago--the cause of Christ. But, as is the reason for this entire revelation, pride must be swallowed so the bloody plank of error can be displayed--for the cause of Christ.

We, ourselves, learn from our own personal wrongdoings. So, God had to of meant for us to share these shortcomings with others of the same sort as us. That is what I am attempting to do.

So, enough beating around the bush. I have suffered from an extreme spiritual dehydration over the past few months. I would wake up every morning, praying that God would make me more faithful, only to start my day and completely forget to give Him the time that was His in my day--forgetting that all of my time was His. I would work and work and work on things that didn't truly matter--web design, violin, graphic design, etc....they really don't matter if you lose perspective.

To be perfectly honest--I had gotten myself in a deep rut, and I may have been spinning my wheels at 100 miles an hour, but I was getting nowhere. Slipping in the mud that I had driven myself into, not realizing the consequences it would have on my time. Accepting jobs without a second thought because "I could really use the money" dug me in further. Money isn't a bad thing--don't get me wrong--but it's a sickening excuse for time spent with the ones I love. It was becoming so that every time I took an opportunity to spend a moment with them, I wasn't really there. I was physically, but I was so many other places mentally that even that was a job; and they felt it.

These same few months have been some of the most stressful and deadened days of my life. I simply couldn't get involved in deep conversations (or even shallow sometimes), because I was so dreadfully preoccupied with everything. I did honestly yearn for a deeper connection to my loved ones surrounding me, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and thus the solution didn't present itself.

I am astounded once again at how blind I can become when I rely on myself for happiness, and on Christ for all of the things that I should be doing. God won't make me faithful. Not to say He couldn't, but that would defy the whole meaning of faith. No, I have to commit myself to Him fully. Every little thing I do...every gift I have....every precious moment I witness....is from my beautiful King. So, why rely on my usage of His blessings, when I can simply rely on Him? See, to me...my life in Christ is symbiotic...I give Him my love, faith, and trust, and He gives me His love, faithfulness, and constance. But to Christ, our relationship is undefinable--unfathomable. Because He doesn't withhold His love from us....He simply waits patiently for us to stop looking in the mirror and to realize that He's had His hand held out to us all along.

The moment I opened the Word to start my day (for the first time in a long time), it was as if a big fluffy blanket had been wrapped around me, and I suddenly realized how cold I had been for so long. It was a mixture of panic, and overwhelming security--like looking down and realizing you're at the top of a mountain, only to immediately feel a strong arm pull you to safety.

Faith is hard for us, but not for the Divinity of Faithfulness.

Since I opened my eyes, my once distractions are renewed. My joy in having them is back--and it's because I have a purpose for them. They're no longer just my own personal backyard carousel of masked beasts....they've transformed back into what God originally intended them to be. Gifts that give back, for the imperfect bedecking of His beauty.


Näna said...

Beautifully written Ab. I so know what you mean. I dedicated my life to Christ at eight and was so excited and energized about serving Him. And then I got caught up in one thing after another. They weren't bad things, but I started letting them come in and take the place and time of Christ, and then they became bad. About a year ago I realized that my spiritual life was ashes and Go game me a beautiful time of revival. A time were everything was as new and wonderful as when I was eight. And now it's just like I can't wait to see where it goes from here!

Katherine said...

I can so relate- may G-D help and strengthen us to be faithful!

Bekah said...

Ohmiword, Ab, incredible post. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for posting. I needed that today--the last week or so has felt dead and lifeless, as does my faith right now.

Love you tons, and I'm so glad you're feeling better.

Oh--and you inherited a lot of your Momma's talent in writing. :)


Alexis said...

You've just reminded me of something, but it's much too long to put in a comment, so I'm posting it now. Check it out on my blog.

I really appreciate your honesty, Abigail. That's always the hardest step to making things right, but it makes it so much easier once it's done. I'm praying for the Lord to be extra sweet to you in your devotion time.

Hannah said...

Oh Ab...I know exactly how you feel. It's how I've been feeling so long, that I'm feeling tight and thin. Stretched. Ab, Ab, Ab...can I express my gratitude in your writing this post? So often we can put off God, and place Him on a shelf, and not put Him in that number one spot...thanks for the reminder that no matter what, He needs to be first.

This was really a spiritual wake up call for me. There is NO sitting on the fence. Its a choice, a decision--to let yourself submit. No matter what we do, if we don't have Him, we are incomplete and half filled.

Yet, when we choose to submit, we get something like this! Your amazing, raw, beautiful and REAL post. Something that I can relate to because I've been dealing with it. And it's shown me that it's time to be DONE just sitting there--that now, I have to take off and run. I have to start flying.

There are times when people have posts that were truly breathed out by God, and this is definitely one of them. Thank you for writing this...(lol, can I say that anymore times?)

It's time to fly.


Josh said...

Hey Ab,
Thank you for the honest, straight-forward, and humble post about your spiritual life...Know that you are not alone. I have been there before, and I know that it is scary. Just like Hannah, this is another one of those things that God can use as a "spiritual wake-up call".
Perhaps we can pray for each other? I will definitely pray for you.
Thanks again for your transparent sharing,


Marissa said...

Wow. This is a great post Ab! Just what I needed to hear. Its been so long since I started my day in the Word. It really effects the way my day goes... My life has been feeling sort of dead and dreary... This has inspired me. I just returned from an amazing christian workshop and this is almost like an extra boost to get my life back on track, digging into His word everyday and reminding myself that everything I do, should be for Him.

Your an amazing writer. Glad your feeling better.

Love you!

Kendra Logan said...

I really needed this. You've described my situation exactly. Wow. Thank you.


Pam Ponder said...

thanks for sharing how you feel I know this feeling all to well, I really needed to read this right now thanks for making me think about how I spend my time! God Bless...

Brandon Witt said...

He leads us into the desert so that we might remember just how sweet His water is to our thirsty souls.

Thanks for testifying to the mercy, grace and incomprehensible faithfulness of our Father. I rejoice with you that you have drawn near once again. May you be steadfast in your seeking.

Sherrie said...

What a beautifully written and honest post. You are a very wise young woman. WE can all all learn something from this message. Thank You!

Lindsay said...

Wow... I can totally relate to how you've been feeling, Abigail! I'm going through a time like that right now. Your post has really encouraged me to focus on what's truly important. Thank you *so* much for sharing this!!

Barbie said...

Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I have been protraying myself as "having it altogether" for so long, yet from my vantage point, there is no water in this desert. I must get up, get moving, and run into the arms of my loving Father who so longs to spend time with me. Thank you 1,000 times!

Camden said...

Great thoughts. It's when we're in God's word that we have have to be completely honest with ourselves. Yes, we can skim the pages, but at the end we won't feel any different. It's when we dive into His Word when we finally meet a brick wall of truth that crushes all of our false fronts and misplaced desires. Thanks again for that reminder.


2 Timothy 2:11-13

Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
he will remain faithful,
for he cannot disown himself.

Lindsay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lindsay said...

Hi again Abigail,
I just wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving me a comment! That made my morning. ;-)

Mackenzie said...

Like the others have said, thank you so much for posting your experience. I know it's hard to open up in this area, and you and a lot of others are encouraging me to open up to others about a similar experience I went through last year.

God Bless you. and I'm so happy you went back to him! I Will be praying for ya. :)

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

such a beautifully honest post. so glad you have removed your overwhelming distractions. it's beautiful how God turned them back into gifts.

Katie G. said...

I just wanted to let you know that I tagged you!

Brenda Coffee said...

An hour ago I kissed my husband goodbye and said a prayer that God would protect him as he goes through his day. As I watched his car disappear down the road, I thought, I will now go inside and spend some time in God's word. Instead, the phone rang, and an hour later, here I am, still at the computer. Thanks for reminding me that God called me first.


Olivia said...

This really echoes my own heart Abigail and what I've been going through the last several months. It's been horrible, but God is still SO faithful and gently pulling me out of this pit I've found myself in and breathing His life back into mine. You have such a way with words as well, it's potent (I know, strange example, but it fits).

Anyways, I wrote a song several weeks ago that this post reminded me of. I just posted it on my blog (I know, I've been neglectful as of late) and I would love for you to give me your opinion on it.

I love you Abigail and I've been so busy and I miss staying connected with you. Expect an email in the next week. :)

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