We, ourselves, learn from our own personal wrongdoings. So, God had to of meant for us to share these shortcomings with others of the same sort as us. That is what I am attempting to do.
So, enough beating around the bush. I have suffered from an extreme spiritual dehydration over the past few months. I would wake up every morning, praying that God would make me more faithful, only to start my day and completely forget to give Him the time that was His in my day--forgetting that all of my time was His. I would work and work and work on things that didn't truly matter--web design, violin, graphic design, etc....they really don't matter if you lose perspective.
To be perfectly honest--I had gotten myself in a deep rut, and I may have been spinning my wheels at 100 miles an hour, but I was getting nowhere. Slipping in the mud that I had driven myself into, not realizing the consequences it would have on my time. Accepting jobs without a second thought because "I could really use the money" dug me in further. Money isn't a bad thing--don't get me wrong--but it's a sickening excuse for time spent with the ones I love. It was becoming so that every time I took an opportunity to spend a moment with them, I wasn't really there. I was physically, but I was so many other places mentally that even that was a job; and they felt it.
These same few months have been some of the most stressful and deadened days of my life. I simply couldn't get involved in deep conversations (or even shallow sometimes), because I was so dreadfully preoccupied with everything. I did honestly yearn for a deeper connection to my loved ones surrounding me, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and thus the solution didn't present itself.
I am astounded once again at how blind I can become when I rely on myself for happiness, and on Christ for all of the things that I should be doing. God won't make me faithful. Not to say He couldn't, but that would defy the whole meaning of faith. No, I have to commit myself to Him fully. Every little thing I do...every gift I have....every precious moment I witness....is from my beautiful King. So, why rely on my usage of His blessings, when I can simply rely on Him? See, to me...my life in Christ is symbiotic...I give Him my love, faith, and trust, and He gives me His love, faithfulness, and constance. But to Christ, our relationship is undefinable--unfathomable. Because He doesn't withhold His love from us....He simply waits patiently for us to stop looking in the mirror and to realize that He's had His hand held out to us all along.
The moment I opened the Word to start my day (for the first time in a long time), it was as if a big fluffy blanket had been wrapped around me, and I suddenly realized how cold I had been for so long. It was a mixture of panic, and overwhelming security--like looking down and realizing you're at the top of a mountain, only to immediately feel a strong arm pull you to safety.
Since I opened my eyes, my once distractions are renewed. My joy in having them is back--and it's because I have a purpose for them. They're no longer just my own personal backyard carousel of masked beasts....they've transformed back into what God originally intended them to be. Gifts that give back, for the imperfect bedecking of His beauty.